a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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