I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
why do cheetos always look like penises
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
