Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
