gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He shit in the fireplace
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
