And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
