the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
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