Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
