false alarm. still invincible.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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