my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
