I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
