This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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