there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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