i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
