Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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