If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
