If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
