The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
