we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
