the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
