He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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