Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
