she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
