I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
