Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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