i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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