i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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