I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
