I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
