i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
