Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
