Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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