you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
