I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
