There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
