I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
