I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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