So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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