Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
