he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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