i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
