When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
