Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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