If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize