I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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