I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
