Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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