hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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