I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
