I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
