And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
