i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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