This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
