so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
