Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Well I just put wine in my tea
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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