She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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