Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
whose ass print is on the piano?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize