So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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